Pointedly stated, there’s something about both locations in town (Huntsville, AL) — and I’m sure the others throughout the country — that simply urks me..

It’s not the tasteless meat they use for their burgers which relies on the condiments for ANY flavor. Most places tend to use meat that tastes like cereal these days.

It’s not their prices, which, at $5.49 for a bacon cheeseburger seems a bit excessive. Their basic bacon cheeseburger is actually a respectably thick, home-style, double patty cheeseburger, but again, zero taste from the meat, so what are you really getting for your dosh…?

It isn’t even strictly the “warehouse style cafeteria seating”, nor the resulting 80 decibel din where 200 customers are shoved into tight quarters then begin shouting to be heard over one another.

Given all the massive flaws in the place, what actually urks me is actually their decor. The generic, red and white checkerboard patterns on stark white walls, with white ceilings has a distinct clinical feel to it.

Said decor is only accentuated by a red and white low-wattage lighting scheme, and signs every three feet containing some random quote by some yankee newspaper or magazine trying to convince us that the burgers are “the best we’ve ever tasted”, “Zagot ranked”, “Ranked DC’s best”, or “Best Burgers in Charlotte”.

Obviously those media outlets were either paid, the quotes are bogus, or they simply have never had a good southern burger in their life. I can, in fact, name five burgers here locally (or that I’ve had) which — if suitably compared — would make “Five Guys” put their tails betwixt their legs and run back up north where they belong.

• Soul Burger (local place, local owned, at Triana and Bob Wallace — home made burgers “squished” into patties in front of you, then cooked to order)
• Hardees (yes, I know, but their “$6.00 Burger” is honestly better tasting meat)
• Steak Out delivery service (a bit more expensive, but delivered and has a great taste to it)
• Frizzles (chicken finger chain, but good burgers – http://www.frizzleschicken.com/)
• Fudrucker’s (not local, but better burger, 100x better atmosphere)

Regardless, getting back to the point of decor, I find it disturbing to sit there having paid a questionable amount for a questionable burger only to sit in a tight, decoratively-lit space to have amazingly conceited comments try to convince me that the meal I’m eating is better than it actually is. Maybe it’s a yankee thing. Dunno, but we southerners like to make up our own minds about stuff.

So, if I hate them so much, why do I go there? Simple. They make quite possibly THE best fresh cut, home-style french fries that you can buy in a restaurant, and even at $2.39 for a small, you get essentially a 16oz cup of them PLUS about another 1/2 cup which fell in the bag when they scooped the fries for you.

The day that they ever change that tactic is the day they lose me as a customer, because there’s no other reason to stick around.